my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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