Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize