Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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