Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
