just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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