We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
