Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
