we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
