oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize