I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
