i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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