i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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