I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
