Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
