1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
