coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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