You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
