i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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