I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
