The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
smell my finger.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
