You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
