when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
