I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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