i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
