never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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