It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
