well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
