Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
