Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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