Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
