yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Floor bacon is actually really good
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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