Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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