My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
