Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
