I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
