Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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