i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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