OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
