Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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