My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
