i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
