I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
