zippers are such a cool invention
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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