My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
