I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
