the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I met the friendliest cop last night
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
