Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
