the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
