I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Someone shattered a urinal.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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