I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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