U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
