I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize