she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
