is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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