I wish my penis had an off switch
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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