allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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