Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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