do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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