i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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