hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
