Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
